i'm emotional, when i can't let go.
i am trying to hold on to you.
though it hurts me so
i gotta let you know
that the love we once shared now is through
saying goodbye to you.

             -carl thomas

just a thought... no one really does want to be happy... people finally become happy when they die... a sense of completion and self worth are brought up with a list of accomplishments at the end of ones life. i suppose that's true because they always say to measure the heart of a man from the begin to the end to see whether he was good, or wise, or whatever. using that criteria, one can evaluate one's self. and if that is the case, then life is like a basketball game at the last 2 minutes. strategically wasting away the clock then shoot the ball at the end of the shot clock and/or 4th quarter to achieve that happy victory. if happiness is achieved early in life, true happiness, then there is nothing else to aim for, since the goal in life is ultimately happiness. there is no trial, no reason to complain, or bitch, as we can see, that is not the case. we all complain, and argue. we feel the need to blame ourselves and other for lack of satisfaction. it is until one dies where dispute dies with them and they are remembers as 'one of a kinds'. true, they are one of a kind, and we may never no another like them, but then memory will receed as troubling issues plague the mind as you begin to forget that great person you once knew. we are all hiding our depression, and i suppose that that is true because we all hide behind our insecurities, whether it be our intelligence, looks, or even lack of love. if we were to actually reliquish this depression, then we would actually have to go out and live in this world... which can be depressing. i guess this is just one ring road of sadness. if i'm a downer, then i'm a downer, but as long as i continue to hear people accept defeat when life kicks them down, then what i say has, in some effect, varasity... but, of course, i'm open to be wrong. then again... its just a thought.

ulster

its been monthes since i wrote anything here. and what do i have to show for it? this:

i'm homesick.

there you have it.